Time to Come Clean

ESPN reporter Sam Eifling has just posted our story. There are also photo galleries that go along with it. Please take a look.

Now what I'm about to say might be a little shocking to some people, but I think it's finally time to come clean. I am a Martha Stewart fanatic. Remember that show on MTV where they brought in teenage girls to meet their favorite singers? The girls would scream and cry and just be a huge wreck. Yeah.. that would be me meeting Martha Stewart. I keep her Homekeeping Handbook right on my desk and treat it like it's a Bible. Pathetic, I know. Now you can only imagine my excitement when I learned that Macy's was going to be carrying an entire line of products designed by her. I spent almost an hour today in the home department trying to pick and choose between products. I ended up walking away with dish towels. THREE towels for only $9.99. And they're nice and big. I had to really talk myself out of a lot of gadgets because my kitchen is already FULL. I don't think I can find an extra square inch to store one more thing. And lets face it, do I really NEED to make a cake in the shape of a pumpkin? Probably not.

While I was running around the home department at work I also purchased a martini shaker. Why? Because my birthday is only 39 days away (not that I'm counting). And even though I can already legally drink in Wisconsin (it's one of those beautiful loop holes that states a minor may drink if accompanied by a legal guardian... a spouse counts for that) I'm still very excited for my birthday.

I've had a lot of people asking me in my classes what life is like living with ten other families. I want to explain this in greater depth sometime soon but not until I can find my camera chip and upload the pictures from the Fisher House. Before we left I took a ton of pictures of the common areas, our room, the fridge, just all of it. I really want to give people the real feeling of the house. Look for the post next week sometime. It's going to take a while to get the post together and this weekend is jammed with family time.

As much as I love typing I really need to stop procrastinating and continue cleaning my apartment. Maybe even get some homework done. Well.. maybe not homework tonight. We'll see what happens. I have all weekend right? (Someone remind me that I said this when I'm whining on Sunday night that I have TONS to do)

Day Dream

I caught myself day dreaming today. Not an uncommon thing to do during Intro to Business Administration. What surprised me was what I was day dreaming about. I was driving down Georgia Avenue in D.C. heading to the Wheaten mall. It was crazy how real it felt. I could smell D.C., hear D.C., and see every building, every pot hole, every traffic light as clearly as I could when I was actually there. When we were at Walter Reed all I did was think about home. Now that I'm home all I can think about is Walter Reed. The grass really is always greener on the other side.

Since I got out of class I've been working on picking up the office. I can officially see two square feet of carpet. That's a small miracle. J.R. is going to have start thinking about what he can and cannot live without. We simple have to much stuff in our little apartment. We have a lot of work ahead of us in the next couple of days.

I should be getting ready for work right now. I don't want to go. It's beautiful outside. I want to stay in my apartment and clean and do homework. *Sigh* I hate the "real world" some days.

Test Score

Today has been a good day. I got my sociology test score back today. 47/50 not bad. The test was curved so I ended up with 47/40. Gotta love it. I was surprised to hear the rest of the class preformed poorly on the test. It was almost completely straight out of the book. The professor than surprised me further when he said the next test would be made easier. I just don't understand the logic. This is college. I understand the desire to have the students preform well, but you don't get that result by making the test easier. You get that result by changing lectures, not allowing laptops in class (which he did today), and by getting students actively involved in class. We shall see how the next test goes. Hopefully this first test was eye opening to many of the freshman students.

This evening I was off to my speech class. I love my speech class. The professor is amazing and is very enjoyable to listen to for two hours in the evening. Our first speech is presented next Wednesday. Mine is pretty much put together and I was feeling confident. It wasn't until the professor turned to me after class and told me he was "looking forward to hearing my speech." Now I feel as though he is expecting a masterpiece. I don't want to disappoint. Very nerve racking.

Now that classes are done for the day it's time to buckle down and get some cleaning done. My parents will be in town this weekend and J.R.'s parents are joining us for dinner Saturday night. I guess that means I need to find my kitchen table. The office is still torn apart so I might finally get that together. We'll see how far I get.

These Boots are Made for Strutting

I recently purchased an adorable pair of Jessica Simpson flat brown shoes. I love how they look and they filled this desire I've had for a long time to actually wear brown clothes (I'm a total black fan). I even bought a brown sweater to go with the brown shoes (Yes, I pulled a Carrie Bradshaw). I was so excited this morning when I put the outfit on. I left the house feeling confident and cool. I parked the car, fed the meter, and started walking to class. I've never felt so ridiculous. I felt so short. Which is so stupid since I'm 5'8" and can run around in tennis shoes just fine. It was something about the eighth of an inch thick rubber that I was walking on that just wasn't clicking with me. J.R. often tells me that I don't walk, I strut. Well... there is no strutting in flats. None. I'm going back to heels. More specifically, I'm going back to my knee high red boots. At least this way I will make some podiatrist very rich someday.

Speaking of shoes, lets talk about work. I have recently made the decision to leave Macy's. This was not an easy decision as I love the people I work with. The people at the store have become my Wisconsin family and I've missed them all like crazy in the last nine months. Life currently is very busy with classes, homework, and dealing with J.R.'s injured. It's hard to add in the stress of the cut in pay that was recently made department wide at work. The price of gas plus the time it takes to drive to work everyday really affected this decision. I'll miss my job, but at the same time I feel as though everything has fallen into place at the right time.

J.R. has an appointment at the VA on Tuesday! We are FINALLY going to be able to get help with the TBI. The symptoms are much more noticeable now that we are home and they are very disruptive. It's frustrating to deal with them. It's hard to sit and watch him struggle with homework. I'm so sick of seeing him fight to relearn everything. Every God damn thing is hard now. It seems so unfair. I hate that he's crabby all the time. He's always angry, always stressed about something, and always so tired. It doesn't make life fun for either of us at the moment. It will be nice to finally get some help and deal with what's going on.

J.R. made my night tonight. I walked in the door to find the dishes clean and put away. J.R. doesn't do dishes very often. I was so excited to not have to worry about cleaning up when I got home. I left the kitchen a disaster (that's what happens when you realize you have to work twenty minutes earlier than you thought). It was soooo nice to be able to walk in and just relax.

Now for more good news! I talked with Mary tonight for the first time in a few weeks. Mary and Brian are still currently living at the Fisher House. I'm happy to report that they recently went home to Massachusetts for the ground breaking of their new house! The home is being completely donated by homes for our troops. Amazing. I'm so excited for them. It was really refreshing to talk to Mary. Since we came home it's hard to talk to other girls. Most of the girls I am in contact with throughout the day are young and care free. That's not my life anymore. It's nice to stop for a minute and be able to talk to someone who really gets it. Someone who has been there, done that. I miss Mary.

Tomorrow is an early morning. They all are now. Oh how I miss sleeping in. At least I should get my Sociology test back in the morning. I swear if he doesn't pass them back I'm walking out of class. I want my score!

Sociology

I'm sitting in sociology class right now. He's not handing back our test scores today. Not cool.

Minnesotans' Military Appreciation Fund

Tonight I am celebrating. The weekend is over, I'm still alive, and I'm finally able to sit on the couch and update my blog. I've made a bloody mary (don't ask how strong it is) and I have taken control over the remote. It's fabulous.

This week in class the homework was piled on. I took my first sociology test on Friday morning. It went VERY well. I'm anxious to see my score tomorrow morning. I am also in the process of writing my first speech. It is slowly starting to come together. I have to finish writing it this week and start practicing.

J.R. is also digging away at homework. Being a full time student he is really feeling the homework. He is doing very well in his classes, but is finding it increasingly hard to study. As time moves forward we are checking more and more symptoms on the TBI (traumatic brain injury) list. Difficulty focusing, memory issues, short temper, lack of sleep and on and on the list goes. It is time to call the VA and get into a doctor. Hopefully we can get some answers and help. The symptoms are to disruptive to everyday life to continue without attention.

Work is going alright. I worked all weekend. I wont complain to much about it since we were super busy and I sold a lot of shoes. I finally made some money (the joys of working on straight commission)! We have a new employee in the shoe department and I hope she works out. Today was her third day and she was finding it very stressful. I found myself giving a pep talk the entire day. It was exhausting. I can't wait until I can stop cheering on other people and cheer myself on for once. Wont that be nice.

Now for the exciting news. This weekend J.R. and I received a grant from the Minnesotans' Military Appreciation Fund. Minnesota is currently the only state that has such a fund available for it's soldiers. Money is raised by the community, for the community. It truly is an amazing fund and I can only hope that other states across the country will set up similar programs. For more information on the MMAF please visit their website.

Case of the Mondays

The alarm went off at 6:45 this morning. I was not a happy camper. I wanted nothing more than to tear the plug from the wall and throw the alarm clock across the room. It's Monday, what do you expect? I resisted the urge and got out of bed and left for class.

Sociology was beyond boring this morning. Chapter two in our soc book talks about experiments and the ethical way to go about studying people. Blah blah blah.... the same thing that you talk about in science class all through high school. It felt like a very slow and painful review of my four years at PHS. So today I sat in class on my laptop and got things accomplished online. I paid my license plate renewal, checked my bank account, and of course checked my myspace account. It would be criminal to let it go untouched. I survived the hour (barely) and ran off to "Pilate's on crack."

Aerobics was, as always, a long hour. I dread going to the class everyday but I love how I feel afterwards. And I must say it really is getting me in shape. I have more energy and I can already see a difference in my weight. It's nice to be able to fit into my work clothes once again.

After aerobics I came home. I had just walked in the door when my phone rang. It was work. Somehow they didn't have anyone schedules to work in shoes and asked if I could come in. I agreed to come in for a few hours so I jumped in the shower and got all dressed up. I arrived at work around 11:30 and by 1:30 I was ready to cry. Every time I walk in the door I'm overwhelmed at work. Everything is different. Everything. The computers, the stock room, the stock. I don't know anything anymore and I can't remember how to do basic things. You would think after working forty hours a week for over a year that these basic tasks would be permanently pressed into my brain. It just doesn't work that way. I use to be able to multitask and manage six or seven people at a time if I had to. Now I can maybe work with three people tops. It's frustrating.

On top of being overwhelmed and stressed out at work I am constantly having customers walk up to me and ask questions about where I've been. I must admit that it is flattering to have people remember me. I mean seriously, I sell shoes. They see me for maybe fifteen minutes when they stop in and shop. Many of them simply say welcome back, nice hair cut, we've missed you, and so on. A few of them have asked if everything is ok. One customer even mentioned she saw me on tv. It is this constant stream of customers that once again reminds me that I've been gone for nine months. Nine months. That's a really long time. I've found myself tearing up at work a couple of times. Once I had to walk off the floor to compose myself. I'm blown away by how much these people care for a person they hardly know.

I left work at 1:30. I just couldn't make it through the day. I don't know if it was just a mental block or what. I hate that I had to leave and I hate even more that I'm so stressed out when I walk in the doors. It's not fun. It's retail. This job shouldn't be this stressful. It's just not worth it.

I came home and made tuna noodle casserole. It sounded like good comfort food. J.R. arrived home shortly after me and together we sat down and complained about life. He's been so insanely busy with school. I feel as though we see each other without actually SEEING each other. We're both so busy with studying and working and doing our own thing that quality time together is lacking. It sucks. We took a nap on the couch together this evening. My phone, which was quiet all day, rang about thirty times during the nap... go figure. But a nap is a nap and I enjoyed it.

As for the rest of my night, I will be researching The Sword of Damocles. Interesting story, you should google it. I will be writing a four to six minute speech about this story. Not a hard thing to do for someone who likes to stand in front of people and ramble.

So Tired

Tomorrow is Monday. Monday means school. School means dance aerobics. Yuck.

There is so much to say here, but so little energy to put towards writing. I can't believe how much school and work is sucking out of me. Tomorrow is a relaxing day. Hopefully I'll be able to sit down and really write. Wouldn't that be nice?

Silent Suffering

I walk beside my husband, my place I will not leave.
I must not talk or make a sound, for I'm not to be seen.

I have no thoughts that are my own, no opinions that are heard.
I am just a caretaker for one injured soldier.

His arm is gone, a finger too, God damn the EFP.
I can't forgive the tortured souls who placed the evil deed.

I leave the life I know behind to go be by his side.
I love him and I'll care for him until the end of time.

My flesh is free of cuts and scars, my limbs are all intact.
But my mind is overwhelmed, my dreams confirm the facts.

I wont forget the nights he cried and held my hand in pain.
The memories are part of me, they're etched into my brain.

Reporters come, reporters go, all asking the same questions.
How has J.R. coped with all the trauma and depression?

They turn to me and then they ask what I have come to dread;
You must be proud, but life has changed. Do you still love this man?

If my actions do not scream the truth then I am lost for words.
How could you ever doubt my love for my fearless soldier?

Don't bother asking if I have my job still back at home.
For who would want to hear my worries that you've now condoned.

I past a smile to my face and play the perfect wife.
America will watch and say, "They've overcome their strife."

My country does not see my pain or hear my cries for help.
For I am just a lowly wife who suffers by herself.

School is now in Session

The first "week" of class is finally over and what a week it has been.

I walked into my intro to sociology class first thing Wednesday morning. I was greeted by a very full classroom with only one or two seats left. I made my way to an open seat and as I sat down the questioning began.

"Who in this classroom is a freshman?"

It's no surprise that every hand in the room went up. We sat in the class for an hour discussing the syllabus and the homework that was due on Friday. As class ended the girl sitting next to me turned, looked at my hand, and then looked back at me.

"So... are you like married?"

"Yup."

"That's like... kinda screwed up."

Mental note - do NOT talk to this girl again. It's not surprising that I did not see the girl on Friday morning. In fact, half the students weren't in class on Friday morning. Out of the students that did manage to make it to the sunshine soc class only a small handful of us had actually done the reading. As I sat waiting for the class to begin I listened as the new freshman discussed the previous night.

"Did you see so and so???? I think they puked like four times."

Yup, I'm definitely back at college.

Fundamentals of speech had a similar feeling. It is, once again, all freshman. As the professor drilled us about our lives it was announced to the entire class that I was married. This lead to a game of twenty question come icebreaker time. It will be an interesting semester.

Intro to business administration is one big lecture. Basically you show up every day and you pass. Gotta love it.

Then there is aerobic dance. Now it is my personal feelings that this class is named completely wrong. It should be called "Pilates on Crack." It is of course full of girls that are 5'4" who weigh 90 pounds and can kick their leg behind their head. Must be nice. I made it through the hour of torture and I'm not anxious to go back on Monday for more. At least the class is only half a semester and by the time it's over I should be in fantastic shape.

I am definitely the old married lady in my classes, but I'm ok with that. I do find myself having to a take deep breath and remind myself that I too was once a giggly young girl fresh out of high school. It's only a matter of time before the freshman settle in and classes take more time and energy. It will definitely be an interesting semester.

This next week is very full so don't be surprised if my blog is quiet. Work starts tomorrow and Wednesday is a marathon day of activities. It's nice to have a routine, but it is taking some adjusting.

As one last side note, the post office just delivered a large package of mail. The post office at Walter Reed had decided to not forward my mail on a regular basis and waited until they had collected a rather large amount of letters and packages. Inside this ginormous envelope was a mix of wedding invitations (one of which is happening today and I had no idea about since I just got the mail), government paperwork that needed to be done weeks ago but was in limbo, and a spare key to the apartment that J.R. has been waiting for. I hate the post office.

Biking

Yesterday, J.R. took me into the cities and bought me a new bike. Bike shopping is not easy when you are a girl with a thirty-four inch inseam and a torso that's much shorter. It took forever to find a bike that was the proper height and didn't have me leaning to far forward. After about an hour we found a bike that is a decent fit. I've been wanting to get into road biking for a while now so once we got home we both got ready and went for a ride. Here's what I've learned:

1. Bugs taste horrible. Yes, absolutely horrible. I know this because I've now eaten two. Two!!! It's just simply not worth the "added protein."

2. Your butt is going to hurt. And when I say hurt, I mean pain every time you sit down.

3. My husband has legs twice the size of mine. He can pedal faster, harder, and with much less effort.

We went and rode again tonight. It took a good five minutes before I could bring myself to sit completely down on my bike seat. My butt hurts that much. We messed around with the seat last night and it was in a much better position tonight so it was much more comfortable. Still, it's not the Cadillac of bikes. It's designed for function.

Classes at Stout start tomorrow. I'm excited to be a student again but nervous at the same time. I'm not sure where a couple of my classes are and I'm horrible with maps. It's going to be an interesting day tomorrow.

The Phone Call

*****December 19th, 2006*****

That cannot be my alarm. Tell me it is not my alarm....... God damn it.... it's the alarm. Ten more minutes. Is that so much to ask for? This is ridiculous. It's 3:45 in the morning and my alarm just went off. Do people really need to Christmas shop at six am?! This is stupid. Maybe I'll just call in. Wait... it's Christmas time.. Christmas means people shopping... people shopping means commission... commission means I eat this month. God damn it.

I rolled out of bed and jumped in the shower. My head was pounding. My stomach was in knots. I had felt this way since December 4th, the day that J.R. went back to Iraq.

Suck it up. You're going to work. Just get in the car, drive to Eau Claire, and put on a happy face. Yes, glue on the smile. Smile. Why is it so hard to smile? What is going on with you? What is wrong with you? He's in Iraq, big deal. He's been there for months, he's a good soldier. He's fine. Come on.. smile. That's it.. no more thinking about him. It's time for work. Think shoes Josie.. think shoes.

I arrived at work, fifteen minutes early as normal. I turned on my registers, looked over the floor, and checked my stock of new shoes that had just arrived. Having made a mental list in my mind of small jobs to occupy my time while the store was still quiet, I left for the morning meeting.

"Good morning! You'll see the credit goal is..."

I wonder what he's doing. He has to be in Anaconda by now. He said they were running a convoy up there. I bet he's still sleeping. I wonder when they're leaving to head back down south. They'll go tonight. They have to. Oh shit.. hey focus you're in the meeting. Think work.

"Alright, that wraps things up. Sell, sell, sell, and have a great day everyone!!"

I walked back to my shoe department and began to rearrange the clearance section. Mindless work that required absolutely no attention on my part.

Ugh.. I feel horrible. I think I'm going to puke. Don't puke. Do not puke. You are fine.

Finally around eight am customers started filling the store. My day was beginning.

"Excuse me mam? Mam?"

"Oh hi, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. Can I pull a size out for you?"

"A nine."

"Right, be right back."

I walked into the stock room and began to run up and down the aisles of shoes.

Don't puke, don't puke, don't puke. Shit.... what shoe was she looking for? It was a boot.. the one with fur?

I walked out of the stock room with no shoe. This never happens. Why can't I focus?

"I'm sorry, can you show me the shoe again? I must not be fully awake yet."

And so went my day. Customer after customer, shoe after shoe. I left work at two pm exhausted and stressed out. For December there was very little snow on the ground. I was thankful for this as I ran to my car, anxious to get out of the bitter cold. As I turned the car on my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jos. It's Cheri."

"Hey Cheri. What's goin on?"

"Hey, Angie and I were thinking we should get together tonight. We're both leaving Menomonie in the morning for Christmas break. How about your place around five? We'll bring all the food and drinks."

"I dunno Cheri. I've been up since the crack of dawn and I'm really crabby. I don't think I'll be much fun to be around."

"Jos, it's the last night we're going to be in town for a while. We're coming over."

"Alright, alright. But I have to be in bed by nine. I have another day of hell tomorrow at work."

"No problem. We'll see you in a bit."

Why are they coming over? All I wanted was a quiet night in my apartment. This is so not cool. Not cool guys. OK, new plan for the night. Go home, sleep, see the girls, go back to sleep. Easy enough. It'll be fun. Fun... yes.. must have fun.

I laid down, but could not sleep. I tossed and turned. My brain was going a hundred miles an hour. My heart was racing. What was happening? Why was I feeling so stressed out?

The girls arrived and brought in the groceries. Mudslides were poured and the cooking began. Tonight we would feast on a chicken pot pie as we drank and watched a movie. A quiet night. The perfect way to end semester.

My phone was ringing. Where is it? A frantic search began.

"Who is it Jos?"

"I dunno... I think it's a Minneapolis number. I'll let it go to voicemail. I've been getting a lot of prank calls from this area code lately. Someone must have had this cell phone number before me or something. Weird."

Why wont this thing stop ringing? Goodness, shouldn't voicemail have picked it up by now? Maybe I should pick it up. Josie... pick up the phone. HEY.. HEY DINGLEHEAD.. PICK UP YOUR PHONE!!!

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Josie Salzman?"

"Josie, this is 1SG.."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. This is not good. Don't say it. Don't say anything else. Just tell me hi and have a normal conversation with me.... please.

"...Spc Salzman is ok, but there's been an accident."

He's ok.

"His truck hit an IED."

Shit.

"He's lost his right hand."

Wait.. what? What did he just say?? Moments pass. SAY SOMETHING!!!

"I don't understand. What do mean he lost his hand. Like... it's completely gone?"

"Yes. It's gone."

"I don't understand. Just his hand? How far up is it?"

"From what I know it's at the wrist. He's stable. He's going to be OK."

"Is there anything else wrong?"

"There were a few minor cuts on his left arm and a few scrapes on his legs."

"Where is he? Does he know what's happened? He's allergic to morphine. Is he in pain?"

"He's been medevaced to the green zone. The doctors are taking care of him there."

Josie stop... slow down. Think. He wasn't the only one in the vehicle. The other men. Are the other men ok?

"What about the other guys. Are they ok?"

"They're fine. J.R. was hurt the worst."

Deep breaths. He's going to be ok. Calm down. CALM DOWN. Think. What do you need to know?

"What happens now? What's going on? When do I get to talk to him? When will he be home?"

"The military will be in contact with you. This is all the information I have for now. I'm sorry I don't know more."

"It's ok. It's fine. Umm... thanks for the phone call."

Shit. Gotta tell Mom. No, gotta call work. No, gotta tell Tina. His parents. Shit. Breathe. No... No do not cry. You cannot cry. Crying is not going to help you right now.

The tears came anyway. I walked back into the kitchen. Cheri and Angie knew something was wrong and I could see the looks of concern on their faces.

"J.R. lost his hand. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I have to go to Hayward. I'm leaving.. I'm leaving now. Where are my shoes?"

"Jos, are you sure you can drive? One of us will take you."

"No, no I have to do this myself. I can't tell his parents this over the phone. I have to go. You guys stay here. Cook, watch a movie, do whatever. Just um... do the dishes and turn the lights off on your way out."

"Jos, are you sure?

"Yeah... I'll be ok."

I put my shoes on and then made a few quick phone calls. First was work. They had to know that I wouldn't be in in the morning. Next, my parents. I called home, no answer. I called the office, no answer. I tried over and over and over yet no answer ever came. I started to panic.

Call Beth. Shit.. no answer. Becca... Becca will be able to find them. No answer. Becca's parents... no answer. Stop breathing so hard. Come on.. calm down. You'll find them. Just calm down. Call Paul... he'll stay calm.

"Paul?"

"Jo? What's going on??"

The tears had started.

"J.R. has been hurt. He's lost his hand. I can't find Mom and Dad. You gotta go find em. I don't know where they are."

"Jo, calm down. Take a deep breath. I'll go find them."

With that I jumped in the car and left for Hayward. Constantly dialing the phone. It was dark and my eyes were blurred with tears.

"Tina? Tina... J.R. is ok, but hes been in an accident. He's lost his right arm."

Phone calls that I wish I could forgot, but can't. Voices that are forever burned into my mind. I continued to call for as long as I had service. I was almost to his parents.

What are you going to say to them? What if they're not home? It's almost nine at night.. they have to be home. How do I phrase this? I can't believe I have to tell them this. Why me? Why can't someone else do this? How do you tell someones parents that their son lost his hand? Oh my God he lost his hand. What's it going to be like when I hug him? I don't know if I can do this. What if he doesn't know what's happened to him? What if he's in pain? Please don't be in pain. He's probably scared. Ugh.. why can't I be there now?

I pulled into the driveway. I wiped the tears from my eyes, took a deep breath, and ran to the door. It was unlocked. The door is never unlocked. I walked in. As his mom walked into the living room I blurted out as fast as I could what had happened. It took a minute to process. I sat down and began repeating the story over and over. I was getting confused. I couldn't remember the phone call anymore. I couldn't answer the questions as they were the same questions I was waiting to have answered.

Half an hour passed. Having no cell phone service I returned to my car and drove home. The Army would be trying to call soon. The information would start to come my way. I arrived home to my empty apartment.

What do I do now? It's quiet. Ring.. ring God damn it. Somebody call me. Tell me what's going on. He's lost his right hand. I'm not going to get to hold his hand anymore. I love that hand. He's not going to be able to play his video games. He loves his xbox. How is he going to write? What if he's scared?

My phone rang. It was my Mom.

"Jo, we're coming up tomorrow. We'll be there in the afternoon."

"No, Mom. I'm fine. Really. It's not going to do any good to have you here. I'm just waiting for them to fly me to J.R. You're not going to make the phone ring any faster if you're here. Just stay home."

"No, we're coming."

"Well... If you have to come... bring Becca."

The following days were sleepless. Information was slow to come. Days felt like years and a week felt like an eternity. The stress of the last two weeks was finally clear. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew. I knew that he was in danger. I knew something was wrong. It was the reason why I could not let go at the airport when we said goodbye two weeks prior. It was the reason for the panic attacks and my inability to focus.

Somehow, I survived the week and made it to D.C. I had no idea what lay ahead of us. I didn't care. I had my husband and that was all that mattered.

Battle in the Mind

The sun has gone down and another beautiful day in Wisconsin is over. In a few hours I will be wrapping up my night and heading to bed. For the whole night I will toss and turn. I will constantly wake up to see if J.R. has crawled into bed. I will walk into the living room to check on him. I will watch him stare at his computer or the tv screen all night. Desperate for sleep but unable to shut off his mind. Around nine am I will wake for the day. J.R. will crawl into bed and sleep will finally ease his mind. He wont wake up until three or four in the afternoon.

So goes life at the Salzman house. A constant battle in the mind. A never ending movie that repeats over and over, unable to be paused. I wish I could take away the memories, somehow make them less painful. I can't. All I can do is be ready to listen when he wants to talk. I thought coming home would be wonderful. In many ways this has been the hardest part of the whole ordeal.

Today is his official retirement day from the Army. He hasn't said much about it. I made a nice dinner and a couple of my girlfriends came to celebrate. It was, as is everything in life right now, very bittersweet. The men will be missed. One weekend a month, two weeks a year will become part of our past and the constant worry of deployments will be off our minds. That is priceless.

Classes

I cannot believe how busy we have been. I thought that coming home would be so relaxing. How wrong was I. We are constantly on the run. We are still trying to unpack the apartment and now we are getting down to crunch time. By September fourth this apartment needs to be spick and span. We have a long way to go.

Today we both registered for classes at University of Wisconsin Stout. It was a rather frustrating five hours. Because I am a freshman and I am enrolling so late in the year, most of the classes I need are full. I managed to get into a few classes and I'm happy with my schedule. This semester I will be taking sociology, intro to business administration, speech, and dance aerobics. Yes, dance aerobics. I hope you all think of me running around like a complete idiot from 9:05-10:00 in the morning on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I hope that thought makes you smile. At least then I know somebody is getting enjoyment out of me prancing around like a three year old on a sugar high.

With classes starting on Wednesday, going back to work on the ninth, and trying to organize my apartment, my brain is on overload. I'm ready for things to settle down and to get into a routine. How amazing that will be.

Tools

There is so much that needs to be written and so little time to sit down and focus on the job. We have been running back and forth to Hayward the last couple of days trying to get all of his tools out of mini-storage. And we aren't just moving little hammers and nails. Oh no... we're moving the jointer, the bandsaw, the drill press. Big, heavy, over-sized tools that make a boy feel like a man. The kind of tools I find my husband drooling over in Home Depot the way I drool over a pair of Franco Sarto shoes. Only difference being mine cost a hundred dollars and his around a thousand. It is a small miracle that the Xterra still has a home in our garage. I'm sure it is just a matter of time and more trips to Hayward before no vehicle will fit through the door. As a wife, I think that if I can no longer park in the garage I am deserving of an automatic car starter. One can always dream.

Today I am refusing to go to Hayward. I have a whole bag of ripe peaches and I have finally found my kitchen (including the table). I plan on playing Betty Crocker all day and making a full dinner. Chicken, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and a peach pie. Nothing beats comfort food when life is so up and down. A little kitchen aide therapy goes a long way. Maybe tonight I will find the time and energy to sit down and really write about life at the Salzman house. It's just to tedious of a task and my brain can only focus on my sore muscles at the moment.

Social

Oh what a weekend! J.R. and I have been on a party streak for the last two days. Coming from Walter Reed where we did a lot of sitting all this action has been exciting but very tiring.

Saturday we celebrated the marriage of a fellow MN National Guard soldier. It was a fantastic reception. The party was held on a beautiful farm just north of Rochester, MN. With no one around for miles the music was loud and the keg was full. J.R. had a chance to see all of the guys and really talk to them for the first time since leaving them behind in Iraq. Being the typical soldier group, we were the last to leave. We arrived home at three am and crashed.

After a few hours of sleep we woke up and got ready to head to the MN state fair. Now if you have never been the the MN state fair you really don't know what you're missing. It is huge. HUGE. If you only have a day to spend at the fair, then you need to be very selective about where you spend your time. There are rides, farming equipment, cars, animals... everything you would expect out of a state fair. And then of course there is the food. One must go to the state fair if only for the food. Anything you can think of is available at the fair and all of it comes fried on a stick. Alligator, deep fried candy bars, fried pickles... if you can imagine it then they can make it. I rationed my calorie intake this week just so I wouldn't feel as guilty after today. One serving of cheese curds, five sweet martha's cookies, one gyro, and one (shared) bag of cotton candy and I was stuffed. It was delicious. And of course if you're going to go to the state fair, you make it a social gathering. We met up with more men from the unit and ran around the fair. Even though it was packed and hot, the company was great and we couldn't have asked for a better day. I have some pictures I'll be posting from the fair as soon as I find the energy to get off the couch and locate my camera.

Now that we have made it home I can't believe how tired I am. I've pushed myself to get through a few dishes and to continue on with the laundry that has piled up. I still don't have my shelves in the laundry room so it's nearly impossible to get in and use the washer and dryer. There is just so much stuff piled inside my one little tiny room. Hopefully tomorrow I can somehow convince J.R. to hang my shelves before he disappears to Hayward to dig out tools from his storage unit. I cannot wait to get rid of the storage unit. Unfortunately until we have a larger living area there is no way we have room for everything. Someday.

Sunshine

I woke up this morning, pulled back the curtains, and to my surprise the sun was shining. Today is one of the days that I remember why I love living in Wisconsin. It's not to hot, not to cold, no humidity, and there is just a slight breeze. The sky is dotted with big white fluffy clouds. For the first time I am able to sit outside and enjoy my new patio furniture.

Sitting outside for the first time since I've been home has been an interesting experience. With the pine tree missing from the corner of my apartment, I now have a clear view of the neighboring apartments. I've been out here for a little over an hour now watching my neighbors come and go. With the upcoming school year quickly approaching there are many new faces. Students are pouring back into town, both a welcomed site and an annoyance. Our quiet little town will soon once again be crowded with cars. Wal-Mart will be even more packed, the lines will be longer, and the cereal aisle will be picked over. Yes, even at twenty I'm still concerned about the cereal aisle.

It's been a roller coaster week. We are both so excited to be home. But home brings stress and stress creates short tempers. The cleaning and sorting process seems to be taking an eternity. I am now just starting to feel as though we have made a dent in the boxes. There is paperwork everywhere. My files are in desperate need of attention. Being in D.C. for so long means I have eight months of utility bills in one bin and the rest in my home files. Everything needs to be meshed into one again. A process that is trying on anyone's patience.

J.R. has cut way back on his meds. Withdrawal is miserable. Both for him and for me. His temper flares easily and I'll admit, he is a little scary when he gets going. I'm trying to stay patient with him as I know he can't control everything going on in his life. But that isn't always easy. With weddings coming up left and right over the next month or so I can't help but think of the advice everyone loves to give. "Don't go to bed angry." That's a load of bullshit. I personally am a huge fan of shutting my mouth, going to sleep, and waking up with a fresh start. If there is one thing I've learned in the last couple months, it's better to say nothing than to say something you'll regret.

Admission

Today has been a day of celebration. Yesterday I found out I have been officially admitted to University of Wisconsin Stout. I managed to sneak in just in time for fall classes. I register at the end of the month and classes start September fifth. I'm excited to finally have the chance to go back to school. Nervous, but excited.

To celebrate, I drove into the cities for a day of shopping with my friend Cheri. She lives minutes away from the Mall of America and Ikea. Being only an hour away from MOA most people think that it's odd I can count the number of times I have set foot inside on one hand. To be honest it's to big, to crowded, and much to noisy to really shop inside. I could honestly care less about shopping at the mall. Ikea on the other hand... well.... here is what we know to be a proven fact:

Josie+debit card+Ikea=DANGER

I managed to escape with minimal damage today. I bought some new shelves, a replacement picture frame, martini glasses, and three containers to sort my recycles into. All in all, not a bad day.

On the way home I realized I ordered J.R.'s replacement wedding ring over a month ago and had yet to hear anything from Shane Co. Since I was driving past the store I stopped to check things out. Apparently they tried to call me once to tell me it was in, didn't reach me, didn't leave a message, and locked the ring back in the safe never to be seen again. It took three employees forty-five minutes to locate the ring. They apologized a lot. Not a huge deal as they found the jewelry and I was able to take it home to J.R. He slipped the ring on his middle finger tonight. I think it stayed on for about five hours before he decided it was to uncomfortable to wear. I completely understand and I could really care less if he wears it or not. For whatever reason just knowing that he has a wedding band makes me happy.

Honeydo

Next time you are having trouble getting the husband to work on the honeydo list... try this line:

"Honey, I need the drill. Do you remember where you left it?"

I guarantee an instant jump off the couch and a panic stricken voice as he asks what hole you think you're drilling in his walls. :)

We managed to get the curtain rod hung in the bedroom. Now I'm waiting for my shelves to be installed in the laundry room. Hopefully they'll be in by tonight. At least today he has been feeling better and this has made him much more productive.

My dinner is burning on the grill so I should probably go be attentive.

We Are Home!

There has been so much going on in the last week that I don't even know where to begin.

We left Walter Reed on Wednesday, August 15th, 2007 around 5:30 that evening. We drove to Hagerstown, MD (about a two hour drive in rush hour) and picked up a wood lathe that J.R. bought. It took us almost two hours to unpack the trailer, load the lathe, and then repack the trailer. There was not an extra inch of space left in the Uhaul. Not the mention the back to the Xterra was also jammed full. We grabbed a quick bite to eat after all the loading was complete and finally got on the road for home around 9:45 that night.

At 6:30 am we arrived at my parents house in Michigan. After a quick bite to eat with my family and my best friend, J.R. and I crashed and went to bed. After sleeping for a few hours I woke up and did quick visits with a few people. Around 7:30 pm (eastern time) Thursday night, we once again got in the car and headed for Menomonie.

We arrived home at 5:30 (central time) Friday morning. It felt so good to pull in the driveway. I opened the door to find that out refrigerator door was open. I looked inside and all my food was missing. Nothing in the freezer. After looking around for a few minutes I found a note from my landlord. A week ago storms with winds up to 80 mph went through Menomonie and the power was out for three days. My amazing landlord remembered to grab my food and put it in a fridge with a generator. The storm also explained why the gorgeous pine tree that once stood on the edge of my apartment was blown over. After exploring the damage done to our neighborhood I went to bed. It didn't last long. At eight am there was crew complete with chainsaws right outside my bedroom window cleaning up the fallen tree. I stopped trying to sleep through the noise and rolled out of bed.

After a quick shower I left to grocery shop. It was crazy to walk into Wal-Mart grab a cart and really fill it to the top. For the first time since Christmas I was able to shop for a week at a time and not just three days. I loaded the car and left for home. I then took the groceries from the bags and put them away. No labeling with the number 24, no rearranging the fridge to make more room, no frustration. It was amazing.

Later that day J.R. unpacked the Uhaul. There are boxes all over our apartment. I have no idea where we are going to find room for everything, but it's got to all fit. I fell asleep on the couch at eight that evening. J.R. finally woke me up around ten. Since he unloaded the entire trailer alone I thought I should make him dinner. One quick dinner later and I cleaned up and went to bed for the rest of the night.

Saturday the rain started. After getting ready I jumped and the car and left for my sister-in-laws wedding shower up in Hayward. Now it's Wisconsin in the summer so of course it's construction season. It was a miserable drive. Between the rain and the detour it took me over two hours to make it up there. It was nice to see familiar faces. After the shower was over I headed home. My head had been hurting since I woke up but on the way home it got much worse. By the time I pulled in the driveway I had a full blown migraine. I curled up in my dark bedroom and waited for the it to disappear. It took all night but at least it's gone.

While I was trying to sleep, J.R. was packing for Aspen. He stayed up all night trying to find all of his stuff in boxes. He woke me up around nine the Sunday morning so that I could get ready to take him to the airport. We never made it to the airport. Just before we left he realized that he could not locate the folder with all of his college information. Neither of us have had a chance to enroll in classes yet and the cut off date it coming up fast. If he didn't have the folder he couldn't leave for Aspen. By this point every box was turned upside down and the contents were dumped out. Lack of sleep and the stress of moving home made for short tempers. Realizing that there was just to much to get done he cancelled the trip.

I spent most of Sunday unpacking clothes. I can't believe how many t-shirts J.R. received while at Walter Reed. I'm having a hard time making room for everything. I have two bags of clothes ready to go to Goodwill. Now if I can just get J.R. to add to the bags. After J.R. wakes up today I can continue on the mission to locate the floor of my bedroom. I'm almost there. Another few hours and I should have the clothes taken care of. I also tackled the bathroom right away. It took two hours just to do that! There isn't a lot of room so I really had to sort through everything. Condensing pills, tossing out expired meds, dealing with the multiples we have of everything. At least I am close to having two rooms back of my apartment.

Today is going to be spent unpacking. It is STILL raining. It hasn't stopped since Saturday morning. It doesn't rain all summer and now we're getting it all at once. Go figure. We have pools of water behind our apartment. I am so glad that we don't have the flooding that is happening just a few hours south of us. Hopefully we will stay flood free.

J.R. is still sleeping. He is trying desperately to get off the last of his meds. It makes him rather cranky when he cuts back on them so I'm trying very hard to just let him be. Hopefully he's not to sore to help unpack some today. I could really use the help.

Almost Done

We have been out processing from the Army for the last two days. I've never seen so much paperwork. On top of trying to get all the signatures and the forms we are also packing up our room. Yesterday was nonstop from 7:45 am till 1:30 am. We got a few hours of sleep and we're right back to it today.

Even though we're packing and today is our last day on post it doesn't really feel real. It's almost like we are just going home for leave again and in a few weeks we'll be back. J.R. is wearing his ACU uniform today for the last time. It's bittersweet. We are both happy to be done with the military life. The paperwork, the red tape, all of it is exhausting. At the same time we've given so much to the military in the last two years and there have been a lot of good moments. It will be hard to walk away from this lifestyle (never thought I'd say that).

I'm dreading this afternoon. Saying goodbye is not something I like to do. I'm thinking it's a day for waterproof mascara.

My laundry is calling me. So is the shower. So much to do and so little time to do it all in.

Army Starts New Psychiatric Program

Yes, the army has started a new program. You can read about it here.

They claim that this program will teach military personnel and their families "how to identify signs of possible psychiatric injuries suffered in the war on terrorism that may have gone unnoticed." I would like to point out that our military families don't need help identifying psychiatric problems. When my husband comes home and he can't remember things he did at the beginning of the day, I know something is wrong. When he has mood swings worse than a menopausal woman, I know something is wrong. When his temper flares over small things, I know something is wrong. Our military families don't need yet another program to waste our time and energy. We don't need help identifying the problems. We need help dealing with them and treating them.

If the military truly took the time to listen to their people, they would know that what we need is more therapist. We need them across the country. Start hiring now.


*****Change of Pace*****

I do not want to focus on the stupidity of our military for the whole day. As I continued to read the news I came across this article on Yahoo! The ELCA Lutheran church is now urging bishops to not punish homosexual pastors in faithful, committed relationships. I've never been so proud of my Lutheran upbringing. I'm confident that it's not my job to judge people based on who they love. I'm also pretty sure that who you love doesn't interfere with your ability to teach people about God.

I don't want to open up a debate about this topic. It is a very touchy topic and I completely understand that. If you don't agree with my point of view, I'm ok with that. All I am asking is that you can respect my feelings on the matter.

Hallelujah!!!

In order for the full effect of this blog, please hit play and then continue to read.

WE'RE GOING HOME!!!!!! J.R. received his orders and we are out of here on Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday. As in five days from now. As in less than a week. I'm so excited. Technically he is still in the military until September first. However, even though his orders go through the first we are able to leave early due to the massive amount of leave days he has built up. So if you want to be technical then we are going on leave to Wisconsin until September first and after that he's officially retired. So we never have to go back to hell... I mean Walter Reed.

And even though I'm really excited about going home, I'm dreading all the paperwork that we have to do in the fourteen business hours that are left of our stay here. The out-processing paperwork is horrific. Add in that we are also taking leave time and it makes it a complete nightmare. If we survive our last few days here it truly will be a miracle.

The Uhaul was reserved today and we pick it up on Monday. We are going to have to speed pack. I'm already not looking forward to the million trips I'm going to have to make up and down the stairs. But it's the last time I have to move for a very, very long time and that makes it worth it.

*I should also note that the Hallelujah Chorus has been stuck in my head for the whole entire day. A big thanks for my high school choir teacher for making me learn both the alto and soprano part. I now have the ability to torture not only my husband but the whole entire house by singing this at the top of my lungs and in four different parts. I'm sure everybody is very appreciative of my knowledge of this piece.

Human

When I married my husband, I told him that I did not expect our marriage to be a cake walk. I promised him many happy memories as well as a few shitty ones. Good days and bad days, smiles and tears. In our first year of marriage we've had to overcome so much. Long separations, little contact, and a life changing injury. Nothing about this has been easy. I find lately that I live in a constant love-hate status with everything in my life. How easy it can be to let the positive be clouded with the negative. As Mary put it earlier, "A soldier in combat must keep moving forward. They must ignore the bug bites, the sweat, and the pain in their bodies. It is when one stops moving to scratch the bite, and to wipe the sweat out of their eyes that their mind becomes clouded and focused on the negative. You must always keep moving forward, never stopping. Then and only then can we suppress the negative and keep pushing towards the light at the end of the tunnel."

This week has definitely been a negative week. I can't help but look at everything we have been through in the past months. Thinking about it just makes me exhausted. I feel as though right now I've given everything I have in me and that I have nothing else to give. I want to keep moving forward but I'm so wiped out. I have never given myself a chance to truly come to grips with the loss of J.R.'s arm. I have been so busy taking care of him, getting him to appointments, and helping him with paperwork that I have been able to completely block out his injury in my mind. It is only now that he has become so independent that I am able to step back and just say holy shit my husband lost an arm and it's not coming back.

There have been constant reminders that we are both human. We are both not only capable of causing pain, but also feeling pain. Part of me wants to jump up and down and smile at this. Just feeling anything is a great reminder that I'm still alive and I'm still human. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the routine of daily life and just coast through it ignoring all emotions. That may be the easy way to live but how pointless.

For the mistakes I've made all I can do is apologize and try to make up for my human qualities. I can learn from them and try to prevent them in the future. But in order for me to learn I often need a little push from my husband. We have both been told that we are very stubborn people. It is both a curse and a blessing. On one hand it makes for some nasty arguments. But on the other it gives us the ability to really dig in and push when it's needed most.

I'm a Medical Disaster Today

So... J.R. and I finally got our new vehicle. YAY! I love it. However, it didn't come with a tow hitch and since we are driving back to WI with all of our stuff in a Uhaul we had to install one. So, the hitch showed up and we installed it tonight. I don't recommend EVER trying to do this with your husband.

Imagine this...

Hear we are laying on our backs on the hard pavement. J.R. asked me to pull the hitch over and help him hold it up. He points out all the holes we need to line it up with and away we go. I lift the hitch up and I am trying my hardest to line it up. I couldn't see around the exhaust pipe. So here I am holding a thirty pound hitch above my head while sitting in a permanent crunch looking for the holes to line it up with. In our efforts to line everything up my arms started to get tired. We went to pull the hitch out and BAM... my thumb got pinched in between the thirty pound hitch and the inside of the rear bumper. My thumb started to just drip blood everywhere. I crawled out from under the car and ran for the house. There is a whole trail of blood across the parking lot and a pool of it from where I was trying to get into the house. One of the girls grabbed the peroxide and my hand and cleaned me out. We got the bleeding to stop, but it's a deep cut. It doesn't help that it's just to the side of my knuckle. Every time I bend my thumb it just starts bleeding again. We've got it all bandaged and splinted so I can't bend it. It's going to be a long couple of days till it starts to really heal.

J.R. kept insisting I was being a baby. Then he walked into the house and saw all the blood. He let up for a while. That is until we started watching Survivorman on Discovery (I love this show) and the idiot sliced his finger down to the bone. He keeps glaring at me going "see.. SEE." Survivorman- you are not helping my case tonight.

Very Sick

Oh what a day. I finally managed to wake myself up around nine am. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was. I could have slept all day today and would have been content. I got myself up and left for the hospital to get my ID card made. Luckily the person in charge of ID cards was feeling better and was able to be at work today. It took a whole five minutes and I had my new ID.

After I got that taken care of I called central appointments and somehow managed to get a one pm slot with Dr. Baxy. She took one look at my throat and went "ew." It's even more swollen than last night and there was a little bit of pus in the back. She kept asking me if I was in pain and I kept telling her no. She didn't believe me. Evidently I'm weird, but it just doesn't hurt. I was thinking that it was going to be strep. It took me by surprise when she told me she thought it was either a VERY nasty case of strep or it's mono. I've had mono. I'm not anxious to do that again. She did a culture, blood test, and gave me Zithromax. Hopefully it's strep and it will clear up in a day or two. I was also told to avoid the common areas of the house, try to use bottled water instead of community cups, and in general to try to avoid community dishes. It's amazing how fast news spreads around the house that someone is sick. Nobody really wants to be around me, which I completely understand. It just makes it really boring to be forced to sit in the room and talk to nobody face to face.

I just finished eating dinner in my room. Odd to eat a whole meal up here since we normally aren't allowed to have food in our rooms. Kind of nice not to eat with the whole house around. The rest of the night is going to be spent finding little things to do in the room. Boring.

Lovely Throat

I just checked out my throat and wow... it's not a pretty picture. It hasn't been hurting but I couldn't shake this swollen feeling. It's spotted and swollen. Can we say strep? J.R. couldn't believe it when he looked at it. He still doesn't understand why I'm not curled up in bed whining that it hurts. I guess I just got use to sore throats when I was in high school. This is the first problem I've had since I had my tonsils out back in 2001. I guess I'm due to be hit with something.

So, tomorrow I need to get into a doctor. It can't be put off because if I'm contagious that's a huge problem. I live in a house with ten other families. I can't be responsible for spreading around a bug. Not when some of the men have really touchy immune systems. Now, here's the big problem. My military ID is still expired. I have to get it fixed first thing in the morning. If I don't, I can't get into the doctor, I can't get a prescription, and I'll just keep spreading around germs. Great.

John Voight

John Voight stopped by the Fisher House tonight. This is the second time that I have met him and both times have been very enjoyable. I was surprised when he walked in the door tonight, and even more surprised when I went to introduce myself and he remembered my name before I could spit it out. Pretty cool since our last meeting was brief and was a few months ago. At the time I was making dinner, doing laundry, and trying to have a conversation with him. Talk about multitasking. He is so easy to talk to. When he stops by it's always in the evening and usually on a weekend. It's nice to have a celebrity who stops by for the right reasons. He doesn't have a huge group of people with him taking pictures. I wish I had remembered to take a picture tonight.

Aside from our visitor tonight, it has possibly been the longest day of my life. I have never been so bored. I sat around most of the day watching a Law and Order SVU marathon on USA. Sad that I have already seen most of the episodes they aired today. I think that was the only thing I watched when J.R. was deployed.

"Armless man gets 5 years for driving"

I was reading the odd news on Yahoo today when I came across this very interesting article.

I'm rather disgusted by the fact that anyone felt they had to report on this issue. If you read the article you learn that this man has no arms and only one leg. He has in fact held a valid drivers license. This means that he has been to the DMV and has taken a road test. Since he received a license they obviously deemed him fit to drive a vehicle.

Continue reading and you learn that he has drug problems, anxiety issues, panic attacks, depression, and pain management problems. His offenses listed have nothing to do with him being an amputee. "A long list of traffic violations." How many can say that they have never received a speeding ticket? I'm sure most of us can think of someone we would never ride in a car with because they are an absolute moron behind the wheel. There are thousands of people who have their licenses taken away every year. Why write a story on the amputee? Because he is missing limbs he is different from the rest of us somehow? How kind of the news to parade this man around like he is some kind of a freak.

A year ago I would have looked as this article and moved on. My how life changes in the blink of an eye.

Bridge Collapse

The last couple days I have spent a lot of time glued to the tv watching the Minneapolis bridge collapse. It's crazy to think of how often I've driven over that bridge and how many of my friends drive it every day. My heart goes out to the victims and their families. I hope that in the coming weeks that our government will be able to push forward and begin the rebuilding process. I don't want to listen to the blame game. What happened has happened. At this point in time it's more important to clean up and rebuild than it is to point fingers and debate fault. There will be plenty of time for that after reconstruction has been started.

Aside from watching the news it's been a rather boring day. J.R. was suppose to be at a golf clinic this morning learning how to use his golf attachment. Somehow there was miscommunication and it never happened. I'm a little bummed. I was looking forward to going out and soaking up some sunshine. Lately anything that involves being off post for a long period of time makes for a good day. Hopefully we can get out later in the week to learn. Fingers crossed that I can sneak into a free golf lesson and they don't just focus on J.R. I've always wanted to learn how to play.

We still don't have any plans for tomorrow. I'd like to spend the day packing up the room. I'm getting more and more anxious to receive our orders and head home for good. As long as everything goes as planned we should be hearing about our orders by Wednesday at the latest. It can't come fast enough.

Military ID

Some days I just want to strangle the employees that work in the SFAC. I went in today to get a new military ID card. Mine expired yesterday. I WANTED to renew my ID yesterday, but we couldn't get our hands on J.R.'s extended orders until the end of the work day. I went in today to have a new ID made only to be told that the person in charge of ID cards went home sick. Apparently nobody else working has the brains to press a button and take a picture. So I was not able to receive a new ID.

Now because I wasn't able to receive a new ID, I wasn't able to transfer my prescription from Walgreens to CVS and I had to drive 35 miles (which in DC takes an hour) to find the nearest Walgreens. Mary and I went exploring to find the pharmacy. Sixty miles, two hours, and two prescriptions later we returned to Walter Reed. Not the most exciting way to spend the evening but what are you going to do?

I did manage to FINALLY finish Harry Potter today. Wasn't as great as I thought it would be. I think the magic of the series has been killed by all the media attention. By the time I finished reading the book, I was so sick of hearing about it that I was glad to be done with it.

As for the remainder of the evening I will be firmly planted in front of the tv watching movies with J.R. Depending on how productive I feel I may even order some late night chinese take out. I figure why not... it is Friday night after all.

Must Run

It is hot and nasty outside to D.C. and smart me waited until three in the afternoon to get ready to go run. I am procrastinating on heading to the gym. I haven't had a hard workout since before we left to go home to WI. This is going to be torture but it has to be done. We head to Colorado for a "wilderness adventure" in about two weeks. I know if I don't start running again now I'm never going to survive a week of hiking, white water rafting, and rock climbing. I don't want to be the girl on the trip that can't keep up because I'm not in shape.

Earlier today we finally were able to make it into the SFAC (soldier family assistance center) to file for social security. It was one of the last things on our list of to do's and it feels good to have it crossed off. I still however have to get a new military I.D. (mine expired today), talk with tricare, apply for dental insurance, and track down a doctor who can sign off on paperwork for the extension of my orders. All of that could take a full week here at Walter Reed and I'm going to attempt to get it done in one day. How fun.

For now I really must stop procrastinating and get the run over with. At least I can look forward to a night on the town with one of the girls after I'm done running. Krystal and I are going to go see Hairspray and maybe grab dinner. We'll see what time we can both escape our husbands. With any luck it will be early this evening.

Hair Cut

Today has been a blast. A local salon donated their services for the morning and invited the women in the Fisher House to a day of pampering. I got a cut, color, and manicure. The highlights are a nice addition and my hair has been chopped short. It's odd to not have long hair but it will be so nice to just blow dry it and run in the morning. I'll be interested in J.R.'s reaction when he wakes up and actually looks at my hair. It may be very entertaining.

I also had a chance to get a pedicure but I had to turn that down. I killed my feet yesterday. We were invited to have lunch with Congressman Ron Kind at the capital building. I threw on a dress and my new black heals. After driving around all over downtown it became very clear that we were not going to be able to park anywhere near the Capital. We ended up seven blocks away. SEVEN. Now I understand I should have brought other shoes, but the matching purse is super little and I would have had no where to put them. So... I ran to keep up with J.R. in my three inch stilettos. So stupid. I have blisters all over my feet. I even have one on the bottom of my toe! Dumb, dumb, dumb. At least my feet looked good and lunch was fantastic. We were unfortunately very late so we did not get to spend much time with Congressman Kind. It was still wonderful to chit chat with him for a while. He is so down to earth. I'd make time for him in my schedule any day.

The rest of the day is filled with little projects. Phone calls to make, cleaning to be done. All and all it is a good day.

Formations

I made the mistake this evening of curling up with J.R. to watch Law and Order SVU on the bed. It was a matter of minutes before I was drooling on his shoulder. I woke up at nine to an empty room. I wasn't really sure where J.R. had disappeared to, but I figured he was probably off buying 300 since he has been dieing to watch it and counting down the days to its release. He returned half an hour later with 300 in hand.

I wasn't really in the mood to watch yet another movie so I curled up with the last Harry Potter book (which I don't think I will ever finish due to constant interruptions every time I pick the book up) and made an attempt to block out the tv. It wasn't long until the movie was over and J.R. was yelling at me to clean off the bed so he could go to sleep. A little confused as to why he would be coming to bed so early I questioned him. Apparently he now has Wednesday morning formations.

When we first arrived at Walter Reed outpatient soldiers were expected to be at formation every morning for accountability. After the scandal they were cut down to only Monday and Friday mornings. The wounded soldiers are even now allowed to sit in formation instead of stand. For the majority of the soldiers being treated here, it is not much to ask to stand in a morning formation, or even just to show up for one. But for soldiers more severly injured the task is a bit more challenging. Getting out the door in the morning isn't as easy as it use to be. It takes time to put on a prosthetic, tie shoes, and get dressed. Having a morning formation three days a week just adds to the frustration of living here.

I understand the military has to have accountability of the men and women on post. I also understand that it's hard to find a line between patient and soldier. However, there has to be a better way to track all of your soldiers on post. Why not have little "time clocks" located around post where a soldier can log in to show they are still alive and on post. Every room on post has a computer in it. Is it not possible to create some program where soldiers can log in from their room for accountability. If there is important information that needs to be put out for all of the soldiers, why not just load it into the program. That way any soldier with a memory problem would have a visual that they could look at at any point during the day. I'm sure that idea would be turned down due to funding. Well that and it would take to much energy for anyone on this post to even begin to create it.

I know we are out of here in a short period of time. And J.R. no longer minds waking up to go to formation. He has had enough time to adjust to his new normal that it's not a big deal. But for the freshly injured guys it is. I worry that by adding this Wednesday formation Walter Reed is slowly sinking back into old habits. The scandal has already happened and it's old news. What will happen a year from now when the cameras have all left and this isn't a headline story? What happens when the public forgets? This facility is still overcrowded, under staffed, and stressed beyond it's means. Yes, there have been improvements. There are still many more needed.

Tired

I hate Walter Reed. I hate this cracker box. This place has a way of taking the joy out of every part of life. Once here for extended periods of time you become so hardened to everything around you that you can no longer be happy. You either sleep all the time, or not at all. Eat everything is site, or starve silently in your room. One lives in a constant state of unbalance. Unable to be happy, unable to be sad. Not able to really feel anything at all. All you can do is glue on a smile and parade around as the happy couple that has overcome a war injury. Yes, at least that way the rest of the world will think you are still sane.

Today has been another reminder that even though we've walked so far on this very rough road of war, our feet our sore, and our patience is wearing thin. I.am.tired. I'm tired of waking up in the same cramped little room. Tired of walking into a hospital and seeing soldiers with fresh wounds. Tired of not feeling anything. Tired of waiting on them or they or the people who do that. Do those people even exist? Who are they?

I know we are going home soon. Trust me I know. But is this going to be easier once we are home? How long will the euphoria of being in our own space last?

We went to a movie tonight. He drove. On the way home his myoelectric arm became fastened to the wheel. Try as hard as he could he could not open the jaws. He ended up yanking his arm out of the socket and pulling the prosthetic off the wheel and throwing it into my lap. He has threatened to run it over with the car and I wouldn't put it past him. I know he is frustrated. I know he is tired too. I know this road is harder for him than me. All I'm asking is that we get on a smooth straight road with only minor bumps SOON. I'm just to exhausted to stay on the current path for much longer.

Catch Up

Oh what a week. Every time I think I have a moment to sit down and relax I get pulled away for something else. It's getting rather frustrating. The good news is that I feel better and I'm no longer worrying about where the nearest garbage can is. And for those of you who think I'm pregnant I can assure you I am not. When your husband is taking medication that has potential birth defects listed in the side effects you are extremely careful to avoid any unplanned accidents.

Yesterday was a very exciting day for us. We have officially signed off on the med board paperwork and we are waiting for orders to be cut. Translation: we have less than two weeks to go until we are HOME FOR GOOD!!! There isn't really a whole lot left for us to do but sit and wait. Our paperwork is almost complete and until we have our orders in our hand we cannot go anywhere. It's a nice feeling to know that we are almost out of Walter Reed and back in WI. Even though I'm beyond excited to return home I must admit that I'm also very nervous. It's a little frightening to think that once we are there we are completely on our own. If his arm breaks it's not as easy to get it fixed. We can no longer just walk the two blocks to the hospital and hand it off to Mac for repair. And as much as I would like to think that I give great hand massages, I know that they are nothing compared to Kristi's (J.R.'s OT) and J.R. will surely spend plenty of time whining about that. I know it's going to take time to settle back into a normal life. I just hope we both have the patience for it.

I will say that the week we just had back in WI calmed my nerves about the final return home a bit. It was a very encouraging glimpse of the future. In the beginning of the week, J.R. became aware of what he does and does not own by dumping all of his possessions on the floor. At one point he looked at me and informed me that he "has a lot of stuff." My response was something along the lines of "duh" but with a few added colorful bits of language.

After spending the first part of the week passing time with sorting and cleaning we finally made it to Friday. We were both so excited to see J.R.'s unit come home. We arrived in the cities about an hour before the buses rolled in and right away we ran into Oliver in the parking lot. Oliver was the gunner in J.R.'s vehicle the night he was hit. He suffered shrapnel wounds in his hands and his knees and was sent home as well. However, because he was not as seriously injured they were separated once they were state side. They had not seen each other since Christmas. I can't describe the moment they first saw each other. There just aren't words to explain it. I don't think I can even fully understand what it meant to my husband to see Oliver again. I just know that for both of us it was a relief to see him with all ten fingers and ten toes running around. After a short discussion about what happened the night of December 19, we left to meet up with a few other soldiers. Everybody was excited to see J.R. There were hugs, handshakes, and more hugs. It wasn't long before the buses rolled in and the whole unit was in their final formation. The men convinced J.R. to join them. I was so proud of him as I watched him join his unit. After the guys were released we all sat around talking about the last seven months. What happened in Iraq, what happened in D.C., and how the unit was handling the trauma of their time overseas. We discussed the accident over and over. Fahlin, Oliver, and J.R. all replayed what they remembered. I know there will be many more lengthy discussions in the future about what happened the night of December 19th. For now I'm just glad the men are home and the healing process can truly begin.

Saturday and Sunday we spent in Stillwater, MN for lumberjack days. Seeing the expression on the faces of fellow lumberjacks when they first saw J.R. was hysterical. It took a minute for a lot of them to realize who they were looking at. But the excitement and the smiles that followed were worth a million dollars a piece. We spent both days soaking up the sun and cheering on our friends. J.R. got on a log for the first time on Saturday. I knew once he saw the logs by the water it wouldn't be long before his curiosity would win him over and he would be rolling. He was determined to roll in plain tennis shoes with no spikes. After tying his shoes and wishing him good luck we walked down to the water. He rolled the log into the water, looked it over, and withing seconds was rolling as though he had never missed a day. No one could miss the smile that stretched from ear to ear on his face. Knowing that he could still get on a log and roll without a problem was a huge step in the right direction to getting back his normal life.

Sunday night we drove up to Hayward. Due to severe weather that decided to blow over our apartment, we were forced to stay put until later in the evening. This meant a very late road trip up north. We left our apartment around 9 pm. J.R. snuggled into the passenger seat and immediately closed his eyes. What a surprise. No more than ten minutes into the trip I saw my first deer on the side of the road. I slowed down, the deer stayed put, and I drove happily on my way. Half way there I hit a very unexpected detour. I'm not sure what the creator of the detour was smoking when they laid out the path, but how dare they not share with those of us driving the detour. I'm sure it would have been much more entertaining had they shared. Maybe then I could have seen the humor of the back country roads that are pitch black, hilly, and full of death curves. Not to mention the man eating deer that are lurking by the side of the road just waiting to attack an unsuspecting car. I saw SIX deer on my way. SIX! It's a small miracle we made it to Hayward in one piece with a dent free car. We did finally make it to our final destination. Half an hour later than planned, but still we were there. It didn't take long for me to find a bed and fall asleep.

Monday morning we slept in. Around noon we went into the shop and J.R. pulled out his saw mill. He sawed for the first time since he was injured. He can still do it!! After cutting to logs of pine it was time to keep moving and check on the mini storage unit. Everything was still intact. We then went and met up with some of J.R.'s friends. Overall a good day.

Tuesday was not nearly as exciting. In the midst of packing to return back to D.C. I received a phone call from work. Big changes are taking place in the shoe department of Macy's. I'm frustrated. I worked so hard to keep this job and now everything about it is going to be different. It is completely out of my control and I can't stop the changes that are coming. I can't really openly talk about them yet either. I just know that I have some very big decisions and a lot of options to be looking at right now. And as much as I want to rule out having to look for a different job, I feel it would be in my best interest to at least have an idea of other positions that are currently available.

I believe that pretty much is one short catch up session for everything that has been going on in life. As always there is more going on then I can often keep track of. The rest of my day is going to be spent packing more boxes and making even more trips to the post office. Always enjoyable. At least there is now an end in site for our time in D.C.

*As a side note: I know blogger is refusing to publish my post with the correct spacing and blah blah blah. I'm working on it, but my patience is running thin. So for now... deal with it :)

Sick

We are back in D.C. and what a trip it has been. Our flight left at 6:10 this morning from Minneapolis/St. Paul. We spent the night in a hotel so we didn't have to leave our apartment at three am to catch a plane. Even with staying in the cities it was still an early wake up call. The alarm went off at 3:45. I felt as if I had just laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. I managed to roll my eyes and within seconds of standing up I felt the urge to throw up all over the floor. I didn't. I took a shower, threw some clothes on, and then sat on the floor with a bucket while J.R. frantically ran around throwing our possessions back into the suitcases. He finally convinced me to drink a bit of water and for a moment I felt a bit better.

We went downstairs and loaded up the van. Fifteen minutes of hell in a car later we were at the airport. I no more then stepped out of the van and I was running for the garbage can. Now try to imagine throwing while people are staring at you and then having your husband telling you to hurry up because we are going to miss the plane. Not his brightest moment. He wasn't exactly thrilled when I yelled at him to open my suitcase and dig out my toothbrush. Apparently he thought I should just swish some water around in my mouth and chew a piece of gum. After making it quite clear that I was not taking one more step until a toothbrush appeared out of the suitcase and into my hand, he went into action and produced a toothbrush from the very bottom of the luggage. I brushed my teeth right on the sidewalk over the garbage can. I felt like a moron but whatever. At least I felt better.. for the moment.

The whole way into the airport I had to listen to J.R. grumble about the big long line we were going to have to stand in all because I took so long to throw up. How loving of him. But it wasn't long before we had made it through security and I was waiting to get on the plane. Again I started to feel queezy. We boarded our flight and were fortunate enough to be placed in an exit row. At least I could sit comfortably with the added leg room. I immediately found all of the puke bags in my row and shoved them in the pocket in front of me. I had to inspect them all and find my preferred bag. I managed to not throw up on the flight and fell asleep and took a nice two hour nap. I woke up with drool all over my face. Just how I want everyone on the plane to see me. At least nobody had to watch me throw up in a bag. Who wants to sit next to that person on the plane?

So I've made it home, remade the bed, and have curled up with the computer. I'm way behind on everything. There is a TON to write about including seeing J.R.'s unit, watching him logroll for the first time, and a debate about my job. But all of that takes a lot of thought and right now I just want to focus on eating a piece of toast and not having to run to the bathroom two minutes later. Now I just have to figure out if I picked up a touch of the flu or if it's food poisoning from dinner last night. At least J.R. is getting a little better about taking care of me. He carried all the bags up to the room, offered to get me water, and even helped tuck me under the covers. About time.

Full Speed Ahead

So much going on and so little time. I am exhausted. I'll get around to posting eventually but it might be a few days. For now I need to finish laundry and get to bed so I can wake up tomorrow and run around some more.

Home Again

I am once again back in Wisconsin and I have to say it feels wonderful. It is such a great feeling to walk through the door of your own place and sit on your own furniture. I'm so glad that this time I have been able to return with J.R. as well.

Speaking of J.R., he has been rather entertaining to watch. Since October of 2005 he has barely been inside the apartment. Add in the injury and the meds and his memories of the apartment are very limited. He no longer remembers what he owns and where it's located within our home. To fix this problem he has opened every box and dumped the contents on the floor. Needless to say I can no longer walk through the apartment or see the carpet. But I'm ok with that. It's just nice to finally have him here in the apartment with me.

Since J.R. has taken over every room I have been living in my safe haven of my kitchen. It is the only room that he doesn't dare touch as he knows I will chase him out with whatever kitchen utensil happens to be in my hand at the time. I enjoy cooking and since it's the only room I can move around in, I've spent most of my time making more food then we will ever eat in ten days. I have a feeling my neighbors will have full fridges when we go back to D.C.

As long as we are on the topic of neighbors, I have to say that I'm very excited to have another young couple living in our building now. They moved in to one of the upstairs apartments about a month ago. Tonight they are coming over for dinner. I'm buying a new grill today so we can enjoy the deck and a nice evening outside.

In a quest to find Monday's paper I also met the neighbors next door. Larry is 91 and Betty is in her early 80's. I was shocked that as soon as I knocked on their door they knew who I was. We had a very lengthy discussion about J.R. and how he is doing since the accident. I also found out that Larry is a World War II vet. He has some amazing stories from his time in the military. I have a feeling there will be many more visits with Larry and Betty in the future.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for Friday. I know it's going to be a mixture of so many feelings when J.R.'s unit walks off the bus. I'm so excited to see them all return to their families. I made sure to buy some waterproof mascara. I'm hoping that by using it it will be that Murphy's law kind of thing. If I didn't wear it I would be doomed to cry and have makeup running all over my face. So by taking a small precaution I'm hoping that I wont even cry at all and it never would have been necessary. It's a nice thought at least.

I believe it's time for me to go attempt to wake up J.R. He's been telling me all week how we have to go shop in Eau Claire. Now I just have to wake him up so that we can make it over there before the shops close! Wish me luck.

Lazy Day

Today has been a very, very lazy Saturday. I slept in this morning for the first time in what seems to be forever. I rolled out of bed around ten am and got ready for the day. After taking a shower and throwing on a bit of makeup I crawled back into bed with J.R. to watch a reruns of Man vs. Wild. Around noon J.R. was finally forced to wake up. A wonderful gentleman from the area who has sent us multiple care packages was on post today. He stopped by and chatted for a while. It was nice to finally put a face with the name on the box. And it's always interesting to learn about the lives of our supporters. So often they too have gone through a similar situation and they can truly relate to our lives at the moment. There is a lot of comfort in that.

After our visit, J.R. and I retreated back to our room. The plan for the day was to pack boxes and get a few things ready to mail home. J.R. laid down and fell back asleep. He's been sleeping ever since. I find it odd that he often only functions on four or five hours of sleep. Then one day it seems to catch up with him and he sleeps all day. I'm hoping that he isn't wide awake all night. If he is then I have to sleep with the lights on and the tv blaring. The joys of living in a cracker box.

Now usually when J.R. decides to sleep an excessive amount during the afternoon I put my foot down and annoy him until he decides to roll out of bed and accomplish something. I'll do anything from tickle his feet, to poking him, to singing him stupid songs. It drives him nuts. Maybe this is a tad evil of me but if he stopped going to bed at five am he wouldn't need to sleep allllllllllllllllllllllllllll day. Just a thought. Today the sleeping hasn't bothered me at all. I've actually enjoyed it. I have the tv off, the radio off, and the room is silent. Actually the whole house is silent for once. I'm trying to take advantage of the quiet to plow through the rest of the Harry Potter books. I finished book four this morning and am about to start book five. It's just me, a bottle of coke, and a bag of oatmeal raisin cookies hanging out in the bed reading. It is fabulous.

Now I wouldn't be in such a crunch to finish Harry Potter if it wasn't for the fact that the new book is coming out very soon and I can no longer remember what happened in the last few books. It's a good thing I am officially on vacation and I'm allowed to do nothing but sit and read all day. I know if I don't read fast and furious someone is bound to ruin the last book for me. I haven't even preordered a copy of the last book. I figure at this point I am doomed to have the story ruined. Take note... if you read faster than me and you spoil the ending I will dislike you for a very long time.

Changing gears. Yesterday I sent a letter to the Fund about how the car situation was handled. I received a call this morning from the President of the Fund who was very apologetic and even complemented me on a well written letter. I feel a lot better about the situation after sending the letter and I can finally relax a little bit. I'm glad to have that cleared up before I go home on leave.

As for now J.R. has decided to wake up and is attacking my cookie collection. I'm off to go defend my stash of calorie filled delicacies from the hands of a cookie thief.

Welcome Home Red Bulls

THE RED BULLS ARE HOME!!!

The men and women in J.R.'s unit are officially stateside. A huge thank you to the Maine Troop Greeters who were able to be there for the soldiers arrival. Here are pictures of their arrival.

We head home Monday to see the guys. I know how anxious I am to see the unit. I can't even begin to imagine how J.R. is feeling. I know it will be a huge relief for both of us to see everyone home safe and with their families. It's been a long deployment.

It's been a long week and it's finally the weekend. The only thing I can do is pack a bag for home and attempt to find a ride from the airport. I can't wait to get back.

A Note

Dear Concerned Readers-

I just got off the phone with the Fund. It was not a very pleasant conversation. I am so proud that so many of you feel strongly enough about the situation at hand to have placed calls of complaint.

HOWEVER

Let it be known that although my situation was handled poorly by both the rental company's employee and by the Fund, they have helped a huge amount of people by renting cars. I am more than grateful that even if it was by mistake I had a car since January and the Fund picked up the tab. I could never afford a vehicle by myself. They are helping a large amount of people on post and I do not want one bad story to affect the hundreds of happy endings.

By all means be outraged at what has happened. But please, please, please throw your outrage my way and not at the Fund. I do not want to ruin the days of the other hundred soldiers on post who are able to have a vehicle.

Thank you so much for your concern and support.

-Josie Salzman

*RPL- Josie@JRSalzman.com E-mail me and I'll get you all the information you need. You truly are an angel :)

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

People often ask me if J.R. and I have transportation of our own here in D.C. I use to be able to smile and brag about the Fund which provides a free rental car to the families of our nations wounded vets. However starting today I no longer have a rental car and will be stranded at Walter Reed.

In January I first heard about an organization that provides a free car while in D.C. As soon as I could I stopped at the Family Assistance Center and filled out the application for the car. The application was complete with my car insurance information as well as a photo copy of my drivers license. They faxed the paperwork over to the Fund and within a week I had a rental. I was so excited to pick up the car. For the first time since I had been at Walter Reed I was going to be able to go off post. After finding the dealership and checking in I was given directions to return every twenty-eight days to renew the car. I grabbed the keys and off I went.

Every twenty-eight days I have been back at the dealership to renew my rental. Every time it was the same deal. Walk in, tell them the mileage, sign a new piece of paper, and leave. In the past couple of months I became increasingly concerned about getting the car serviced. I had been driving the vehicle since January and they had yet to even give the car an oil change. Finally last week the maintenance required light appeared and here begins the real story.

I woke up this morning and knew that the first thing to be accomplished was getting the car serviced. I took a quick shower, threw my hair up, and ran out the door. I left with only my wallet and my blackberry. I was only planning on being gone for half an hour. After parking the car I ran inside. To my surprise there was a new employee working (Danielle). I told her that I had had my car since January and it had never been serviced and the maintenance light was on. Instantly the fun began.

"Don't you know that you're suppose to come in every twenty-eight days to renew this car? How could you have had it since January?"

I knew by the tone in her voice that this was going to be a lengthy conversation. After straightening out the facts and calmly telling her that I had been in every month like clockwork she started yelling at me again.

"Did you call *****? Did she approve this car for you? Because I don't have another car to put you in and it will be at least three hours to get it serviced."

"Who is *****???? And why would I call her to get the car approved. This was approved back in January!" Confused and frustrated I pressed on only to get yelled at further.

"You're suppose to call ***** every month and get the car approved before I can let you leave with it again. There are fifty people waiting for a vehicle and you have had this since January. Don't you know that you can't have the car all the time?"

At this point I'm beyond frustrated. I have no idea who ***** is, I have been bringing in the car every twenty-eight days, and I don't understand how I am in the wrong. I also can't figure out why I would have to turn my car in because there are other people on the list. Like everything else at Walter Reed, cars are first come first serve. Once you receive whatever it is you have been waiting for, it is yours until you leave post for good. I once again ask who ***** is and why I would have to contact her. The answer surprised me.

"Everybody knows they have to call *****. I bet you're just like the other young girl who was in here the other day who was lying about talking to *****. ***** hadn't approved her car and she was trying to beat the system. You're just being irresponsible and you're lying to me."

At this point I am pissed off. I refused to wait to speak with the all important ***** and told her to get me a cab back to Walter Reed and I would be back in three hours to pick up a vehicle.

"I can't provide you with a ride back to Walter Reed."

"OK. Then give me my car back since that lease technically goes through the 20th of this month and I'll return later when this is all sorted out."

"You can't leave when the maintenance light is on."

At this point the tears are rolling down my face and try as hard as I can, I cannot stop them. I tell her I'm leaving to go clean out the trunk and that she needs to provide transportation back to the hospital. I am at the car for no more than two minutes when she appears.

"Are you really only twenty years old?"

"Yes."

"They shouldn't have even given you a car in the first place. You have to be twenty-one to rent a car. There is no way I'm going to be putting you back in a car."

Now I really can't stop the tears. She handed me a kleenex and told me I had to "stop crying and be strong for my husband." I lost it. How dare she take away my vehicle and then try to tell me to be strong for my husband. This woman has no idea what we have been through in the last six months. She has now called me irresponsible, a liar, and a bad wife. I blew up at her. Needless to say I was given a ride back to Walter Reed... in my rental car that they took from me.

As soon as I walked through the door I started making phone calls. I have talked with the all powerful ***** and she simply made a bunch of excuses. She was the one that received my application back in January and approved my car. She had a copy of my drivers license which very clearly states my age. Instead of saying she made a mistake she blamed the Family Assistance Center, and the rental company. She then explained that although she would love to help me that there was just no possible way for me to rent a vehicle under the age of twenty-one. When asked if J.R. would be able to receive the free rental she said no. Apparently wounded soldiers are not allowed to rent a car.

I am now in D.C. with no car. If I have to go to the grocery store, I have to get a taxi. They provide taxi vouchers, but finding a cab who will accept them is no easy task. There is only one company who will take the vouchers and they're so busy that you have to schedule a pick up days in advance. Plus once I get to the store I can't have the cab wait. I have to let them go and then call them when I am done shopping and use another voucher to get home.

The age limit is bullshit. Most of the soldiers that are here at the hospital are fresh out of high school. They are young and their wives are young. The families have given up so much already. They have lost having a normal life, they've lost body parts, and they're away from home. The very least you can do is provide a car so they may buy groceries or go see a movie. This post is a hard place to live. At least with a car one can escape the life at Walter Reed if only for a few short hours.

To put the icing on the cake, my new blackberry is broken. Same problem as the razor. Fine one moment, big white screen the next. T-mobile can provide a loaner phone, but I would have to have a car so I could drive to the mall to pick up the phone.

It's been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.