Sunday, February 10, 2008

Breakdown

Tonight has not been a good night. There is a constant inner struggle with trying to sort out time to be a wife, a student, an employee, a housekeeper, and be a sane person. Tuesday brings two massive exams. One in psychology and one in economics. I've been trying to study all week little by little but between work and classes it's been tough. I'm down to the final crunch. I was so looking forward to auditioning for the school play tomorrow night, but an unexpected bill pulled out of my checking account and sent my numbers into the red. With my day booked solid tomorrow and the bank needing an hour and ten minutes of my time, I have to cut something from the plan. My options are simple... class, study time, or auditions. The auditions are gone.

I'm tired. I feel as though I have no help. I'm suppose to sort all of this out on my own and even my husband has no idea what I need most days. Most days he doesn't know what he needs so I can't expect him to understand my needs.

I know what the counselor will say this week. I'll tell him my stresses and he will turn to me and say "What can you cut out? What can you do for you?"

My options are simple. Cut school and work dead end jobs at minimum wage for the rest of my life. Cut out my husband and be a bitter old woman with a million goldfish. Cut out my job and freeze to death in the -40 weather. Cut the housework and hire a maid who will accept warm fuzzies for payments.

You figure it out.

5 comments:

Fire Fox said...

Hang in there kiddo... as women, we are expected to play many roles. Some days there just isn't enough time to do that! (You know this already!) Just try to keep in mind that you are working towards a goal and that in itself is something to be proud of. You're doing the right thing, just try to keep it positive... and remember this word of advice from someone who has been there... a clean house is ok... but dirt is always going to win...and sometimes there are more important things to be dealt with than a mop and bucket. Not recommending you live in squalor.. but it's ok to have dustballs and a few cobwebs. As you continue with all that is on your plate you will find ways to accomodate, juggle, rob Peter to pay Paul, streamline and believe it or not... find time to enjoy life. I'm a firm believer in "where there is a will, there's a way." You have exhibited that will in your posts here. Keep up the good work sista.. I'll be checking in on you now and then.
Respectfully,
Alison

prophet said...

spring's comin'. . . . and 'this, too, shall pass.'

(just to throw some trite truisms at you!) But seriously, during a slog, I sometimes just look down at my feet taking the very next step. I don't have the time or the energy to plan things out, until I somehow find myself on the other side.

Maybe taking a day off from trying to think ahead and just walking - plodding along - will help? In any event, I send you every best wish for renewal and for joy.

Shari said...

I vote with fire fox.. give yourself
a break on a large number of small
issues. Like allowing
yourself to live in a slightly
dirtier house. Eating simple things
that take 10 minutes to prep and
10 min. to clean, etc.

Student stresses are temporary!
and a
lifetime investment, and well
worthwhile> I truly sympathize
and wish you the best of success.

Anonymous said...

It's difficult to let the dust bunnies gather if you're a type A driven person. Save the deep cleaning for spring break! Quite a load you've got going there, don't know how you keep a balance. Make yourself a priority from time to time. Take care. Hopefully you'll look back at the student years as the 'good old days'!
Cathy B

Anonymous said...

Jo --
Men can clean, too! Just ask him for help -- & try your best to be satisfied with the job he does. Bite your lip & hit the books.
:)