Friday, November 9, 2007

Why?

Some days I look at our life and wonder why this has happened to us.

If this is destiny we were given to many shit cards and I would like us to get a new hand.

If one believes in karma than somewhere in life we really fucked up and now it's pay back.

If you believe everything happens for a reason, than WHY is this happening. I can't see the bigger picture just yet and I'm getting a little frustrated. What are we suppose to be learning from all of this besides life isn't always fair? What do we do with that knowledge? Make a sign and stand by the side of the road? That will take us far.

And if one believes in God than you have to stop and ask why has He brought us here. Are we being punished for not going to church? Are we suppose to be learning something and passing it on to the rest of the world? A little help here would be nice and I don't see Him handing it out like candy at the moment.

Why J.R.? Why me? Why our family? Why not someone else? It's such a horrible thing to say but it's such an honest feeling.

I want his arm back, and since I can't have that than all I'm asking for is his smile to return. His real smile, not one that he glues on for the world to see. I want him to see himself as I see him. As a husband who is capable of anything. As a complete man. As a whole person. As someone who is intelligent and has so much to give the world.

We've been to hell and we are exhausted from the climb back out. We're both frustrated, and tired, and moody, and pissed off at the world. We fight. We make mistakes. It's life and it keeps moving forward.

7 comments:

Carolyn said...

Thank you for your blog - I think your perspective is a voice that needs to be heard in the blog world.

Anonymous said...

So sorry you are exhausted and blue.
You tell it like it is, Josie, a bunch of shit cards.
Cathy B

Tracy said...

I wish, I so wish, I had answers for you.

I can tell you what I believe about God (and I'm not saying you have to believe it, but I'm just sharing what I believe) and that is that he is not punishing you, I just don't believe God works that way. But beyond that, I don't know why He allowed it to happen. It sucks that you can't know the answers.
((Josie and J.R.))

Brian said...

Josie, sorry you're feeling low. I've never posted a comment before but I have been reading your blog for a while now. I found out about it because I often read and post on Metafilter, and JR used to also post there and there was some news about him on there way back when he was injured that linked to his blog. From there I started reading your blog and I guess I have continued to read it because I admire the way you are dealing with all the difficulties that have come your way. I am also from the upper Midwest and I can see in you some of the best qualities of people raised there. And I'm far from home now and I like to be reminded of those things.

Anyway, this post made me think of something I read about a guy named Jim MacLaren. He was a successful college athlete and Yale graduate who at age 22 was hit by a bus while riding a motorcycle and lost his leg below the knee. Despite this amputation, he kept going and became a world-champion athelete. Then, a few years later, while riding a bicycle in a triathalon, he was hit by a car and became a quadraplegic. He went through some hard times but is now a motivational speaker. There was a great story in GQ about him, part of which is here (the first part of the page):
http://www.speakwell.com/well/2003summer/mclaren.shtml#top

Anyway, I thought it may interest you to read about somebody else who has had to think a lot about why such bad things have happened to him, and had to ask himself if there is any meaning to it or good that can come out of it, and ultimately found some. If you can find the entire article in the school library or something, "Lucky Jim" by Elizabeth Gilbert, GQ Magazine, May 2002, you might get something out of it. I thought it was a really good read and it was featured in the Best American Sportswriting Collection of 2003. For what it's worth.
Keep your chin up.

Stacy said...

I wish I had an answer for you Josie, but I don't. Just know that we are all here for the both of you. Will keep you in our thoughts.

mamaworecombatboots said...

Josie,

I have been following you and JR since JR was first injured. The whys of life are always hard to fathom and in the end, it doesn't matter why, just what we do in response. I am old enough to know no one escapes life without a lot of hardship and what matters is how we respond to our difficulties.

I sent your previous post to my entire email list with the annotation "This is what a hero looks like." You are a hero too and JR wouldn't be where he is without you. You are going through tough times with courage and grace. Of course you have your moments when you are sad and angry and feeling sorry for yourselves. But the depth of your character shows in that you never stay there. You both get back up and keep on going. Life is tough. But you two will overcome and triumph. The admiration that people feel for you is based on something real and true. Like all things precious, it wasn't cheap.

Someday all this will be behind you. But the strength it has instilled in you will stay with you and all who know you the rest of your lives.

Thank you for sharing your journey. You are touching people in ways you can't even imagine. God bless you both.

Anonymous said...

You husband will smile when he can do something you need that you couldn't do for yourself. Such is the nature of man.