When I married my husband, I told him that I did not expect our marriage to be a cake walk. I promised him many happy memories as well as a few shitty ones. Good days and bad days, smiles and tears. In our first year of marriage we've had to overcome so much. Long separations, little contact, and a life changing injury. Nothing about this has been easy. I find lately that I live in a constant love-hate status with everything in my life. How easy it can be to let the positive be clouded with the negative. As Mary put it earlier, "A soldier in combat must keep moving forward. They must ignore the bug bites, the sweat, and the pain in their bodies. It is when one stops moving to scratch the bite, and to wipe the sweat out of their eyes that their mind becomes clouded and focused on the negative. You must always keep moving forward, never stopping. Then and only then can we suppress the negative and keep pushing towards the light at the end of the tunnel."
This week has definitely been a negative week. I can't help but look at everything we have been through in the past months. Thinking about it just makes me exhausted. I feel as though right now I've given everything I have in me and that I have nothing else to give. I want to keep moving forward but I'm so wiped out. I have never given myself a chance to truly come to grips with the loss of J.R.'s arm. I have been so busy taking care of him, getting him to appointments, and helping him with paperwork that I have been able to completely block out his injury in my mind. It is only now that he has become so independent that I am able to step back and just say holy shit my husband lost an arm and it's not coming back.
There have been constant reminders that we are both human. We are both not only capable of causing pain, but also feeling pain. Part of me wants to jump up and down and smile at this. Just feeling anything is a great reminder that I'm still alive and I'm still human. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the routine of daily life and just coast through it ignoring all emotions. That may be the easy way to live but how pointless.
For the mistakes I've made all I can do is apologize and try to make up for my human qualities. I can learn from them and try to prevent them in the future. But in order for me to learn I often need a little push from my husband. We have both been told that we are very stubborn people. It is both a curse and a blessing. On one hand it makes for some nasty arguments. But on the other it gives us the ability to really dig in and push when it's needed most.