Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Human

When I married my husband, I told him that I did not expect our marriage to be a cake walk. I promised him many happy memories as well as a few shitty ones. Good days and bad days, smiles and tears. In our first year of marriage we've had to overcome so much. Long separations, little contact, and a life changing injury. Nothing about this has been easy. I find lately that I live in a constant love-hate status with everything in my life. How easy it can be to let the positive be clouded with the negative. As Mary put it earlier, "A soldier in combat must keep moving forward. They must ignore the bug bites, the sweat, and the pain in their bodies. It is when one stops moving to scratch the bite, and to wipe the sweat out of their eyes that their mind becomes clouded and focused on the negative. You must always keep moving forward, never stopping. Then and only then can we suppress the negative and keep pushing towards the light at the end of the tunnel."

This week has definitely been a negative week. I can't help but look at everything we have been through in the past months. Thinking about it just makes me exhausted. I feel as though right now I've given everything I have in me and that I have nothing else to give. I want to keep moving forward but I'm so wiped out. I have never given myself a chance to truly come to grips with the loss of J.R.'s arm. I have been so busy taking care of him, getting him to appointments, and helping him with paperwork that I have been able to completely block out his injury in my mind. It is only now that he has become so independent that I am able to step back and just say holy shit my husband lost an arm and it's not coming back.

There have been constant reminders that we are both human. We are both not only capable of causing pain, but also feeling pain. Part of me wants to jump up and down and smile at this. Just feeling anything is a great reminder that I'm still alive and I'm still human. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the routine of daily life and just coast through it ignoring all emotions. That may be the easy way to live but how pointless.

For the mistakes I've made all I can do is apologize and try to make up for my human qualities. I can learn from them and try to prevent them in the future. But in order for me to learn I often need a little push from my husband. We have both been told that we are very stubborn people. It is both a curse and a blessing. On one hand it makes for some nasty arguments. But on the other it gives us the ability to really dig in and push when it's needed most.

9 comments:

Tracy said...

I've been married for 12 years with no major injuries or separations and we still have our "human" moments. I've said some pretty nasty things to my hubby that I never should have said and vice versa.

Dealing with what you have dealt with in the first year of marriage~if you didn't have your human moments it would be more troublesome.

You both sound stubborn, yes :o), but like you said, this will get you through.

((josie)) You are doing great!

liberal army wife said...

Josie- you are doing a great job of keeping life semi normal for both of you. That includes fights, nasty words, silences that are VERY loud, cold shoulders and making up. So sweetness and light won't last, and getting back to your lives is going to entail getting cranky and bitchy and silly with each other.

you take really good care, with the thumb and the strep... take time for yourself too.

LAW

Anonymous said...

Dear Josie:

Please don't beat yourself up. Over the past 15 plus years of marriage, my wife and I have gone through every emotion possible, as Tracy and liberal army wife have said. We also did this without having to go through what you and JR have gone through as newlyweds, who are still trying to get to know each other.

Over the course of your marriage, you will have your share of rough patches, which makes all the good stuff that much sweeter.

As always, your families will be there for you, and it looks like you have a bit of a fan club on your web site as well. You and JR will get through this, even though things are tough right now.

RPL
Soldiers Angels, NYC

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you're experiencing some post-traumatic stress. After all you two have been throug these last months, dramatic changes in your lives, please try to take a deep breath as you begin coming to terms with the scope of what has happened.
Every day is a new day. Some days maybe all you can do is take it a day at a time. Take care of yourself, hope you are feeling better. Maybe once you get back to Wisconsin there will be time to restore your spirit and replenish you soul.
Cathy B

Biermann said...

It has been 21 years here for me and my wife. We only knew each other a week and set a date for 3 months later. Most attempted to talk us out of it. We still are getting to know each other, it will never end. That is what keeps us going! 15 of those years I was still active duty with many separations due to deployments and a couple of conflicts. Granted, I've faired through them much better than J.R., however, without my wife I would have never made it through them. He knows this as well, maybe not right at this moment, but it will come. I really hope one day our paths will meet in Wisconsin, I am from Rock Elm near Menominee. As a mater of fact I will we will be heading to Janesville Wisconsin tomorrow for the weekend. All the comments above this say it all!

Anonymous said...

Josie,
I dont know you but I think that you are such an inspiration to many people including myself. How fast you have had to grow up and deal with things that many of su will never experience and pray we never have to. You make me realize everyday when I read your blog that you Josie, no matter what will be fine. You have a spirit and heart that just blows my mind. I think everyones right as far as marriage goes. You will have rough patches and good times. Its very normal to hate him and love him all at the same time. It would be inhuman if you didnt. Ive been married to my husband for 11 years and he drives me crazy on occassion. But thats ok, because thats what make it interesting.:)
You go girl-be strong-smile and dont forget to take time for yourself. You so deserve it

Consul-At-Arms said...

You both are really amazing. I can only extrapolate and imagine what your married life must be like, and it's humbling.

The thing about a good marriage (based on my whole nearly eight years experience) is where both of you are convinced they don't deserve their spouse and try like hell every day to live up to deserving their good fortune.

Or something like that.

FbL said...

Josie,

I'm sorry I missed this post. It's been a crazy week with only limited blogging time.

When I read this I was reminded of what I said recently about you finally "letting go" because you see the end (or at least a major milestone) is so close. You have been focused on survival without the time to process all the changes. Now comes that time, and it's new and scary to face. BUT... you've demonstrated without a doubt that you have the heart, the courage and the self-awareness that you'll need to go through THIS phase, too.

As I've said so many times, there's a huge community out there with hands extended to you and JR in love and support (and it includes a number of people who have "been there, done that." That community is going to be there for as long as you need it.

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Hey Hunny,
Just wanted to let you know I made it here. Its a little odd seeing references to myself - albeit "one of the girls". ;) Thanks for letting me into your little corner of the world. I promise to use it to stalk you after you leave!